Review: A Wife’s Guide to In-Laws by Jenna Barry
The introduction to this book is quite frank. "You don't need to read it if you have wonderful in-laws", says the author, Jenna Barry , who obviously has huge problems with hers. She makes it clear that blaming your in-laws for your marriage problems isn't the solution. What she is really on about is ascertaining where your husband's loyalties are, and if they are not with his wife it is a recipe for trouble. She describes various in-law "types" such as those that drop in unannounced, those who manipulate, and those who have no idea they hurt you. This book will provide you with better self talk, better reactions, and better ways to deal with your husband about this sensitive issue.
I am an "in-law" myself and I found it useful to see things from the other side and I agree that the question of loyalties can produce tremendous pressure on a relationship.
Aside from the topic it dicussses this book is also a fine example of how to present a funny, easily read and highly practical manual on any other self help topic (e.g. the provision of "his" and "her" worksheets). It gives you, the reader, a better sense of taking control of your life and reviewing your priorities.
If you do read this book don't forget there are also many wonderful, nurturing , balanced, in-laws in the world, who deserve respect and praise.
Does the gender of parents matter?
According to a recent research review published in the Journal of Marriage and the Family, the particular configuration of male and female parents does not provide a better family structure than other configurations. Actually, having two mothers appeared to be the most optimal, according to their massive review of hundreds of studies. So, how does a research scientist like myself take such strong evidence against my ancient traditional ideas that the most fitting configuration for a family involves a penis and a vagina?
But hang on...is that what I would claim? Is gender really the issue? Is a scared, lazy, unloving husband a real man? He might be somewhat representative of men in my home town, but is he the sort of man who I believe would be able to represent the optimal man-woman family configuration? Is a controlling, nagging, manipulative wife a real woman? She might still smell a lot better than the men, but is she the sort of woman who I believe would be able to represent the optimal man-woman family configuration? My answer is no and no.
To misquote Gandhi, "the idea of a family involving a real man and a real woman is a nice idea, if only someone would try it!"
My point is that you can't conduct empirical studies within a world where everyone's confused about both marriage and gender in order to determine the best gender configuration in marriage. If we could do that, then let's conduct a study comparing the parenting skills of people who read this research article, and those who do not. I'm sure those who read the article would have better parenting skills, but I think we should hesitate before concluding that the research is therefore valid.
- Peter Hanley.
The referenced article abstract is available here.
Biblarz, T.J. & Stacey, J. (2010). How does the gender of parents matter? Journal of Marriage and Family, 72, 3-22.
