1. Remember Marriage matters. Married people and their kids do better in all measures of health, wealth, and happiness and success. And married folk have more ...and better...sex than single or divorced people.
2. It's not differences but how we handle them that separate successful marriages from failures.
3. All happily married couples have approximately ten irreconcilable differences-ten issues they will never resolve. If we switch partners we just get ten new issues that are likely to be even more annoying and complicated.
4. Love is not an absolute (a yes or no situation) and it's not a limited substance. It's a feeling that tends to ebb and flow depending on how we treat each other.
5. Marital satisfaction often dips with a baby.
6. Sex ebbs and flows. It comes and goes.
7. Creating good marital sex is not about putting the sizzle back into your sex life. It's about going forward together.
8. Repair attempts are crucial and highly predictive of marital happiness.
9. Learn to welcome, embrace and integrate change- to discuss and update your wishes, hopes and dreams- on a regular basis. The marriage vow is a promise to stay married not to stay the same.
10. Try different Marriage Education courses. These courses don't tell you what kind of marriage to have. Instead they give you the tools to build the kind of marriage that suits you. One which can help you negotiate and renegotioate your own values, meaning and goals.
by Diane Sollee founder and director of SmartMarriages.com
Peggy Vaughan
"Emotional affairs" are just affairs that have not YET become sexual. So addressing it sooner rather than later is a good idea.
For those who question just was is meant by an "emotional affair..."
Signs of Emotional Affairs (any of the these)
--Look for opportunities to be with other person
--Don't tell spouse when seeing other person
--Say things to other person that would displease spouse
--Feelings of trust and closeness with other person
--Sexual attraction to other person
I once did a survey of 1,047 people who had online affairs (70% were women, 30% were men)
--79% said they were NOT seeking an affair
--49% said they eventually developed into a physical sexual relationship
As I said, generally... emotional affairs are just affairs that have not YET become sexual. They either END or ESCALATE
The impact of the "emotional" part of a sexual affair takes the longest to overcome. In fact, people recover from the fact that their partner had sex with someone else..before they recover from the fact that they were deceived.
There are no statistics on the number of "emotional affairs"- since they are a moving target.
Some scientists believe that sexuality is becoming increasingly "medicalized" - that is, sexual problems are often viewed as medical problems with medical solutions. Case in point: with the introduction of Viagra, erectile dysfunction started to be viewed by some people as a medical problem (lack of blood flow to the penis) with a medical solution (the little blue pill!) rather than the complex interplay of mind and body that erectile problems had previously been viewed as.
And while many men find help with medical treatments for erectile dysfunction, many do not. Many men are helped by sex therapy, by learning to relax during sex, or by learning to better communicate with their partner so that they don't feel so pressured during sex or so inadequate even when they're not having sex (relationship dynamics, or how a couple gets along in and out of bed, play a role in many sexual issues).
This erection example is part of a larger question that people have about sex: how much of sex can we attribute to the body? How much to the mind?
Certainly, both mind and body play an important role in a person or couple's experience of sexuality. Let's take a look at orgasm. The more we learn about female orgasm, it seems that the anatomical structure of a woman's genitals may play a role in her ease of orgasm. Personality factors, which are at least partly accounted for by genetics, are also linked to women's ease of orgasm. Both of these support the "body hypothesis." However, the way a woman feels about her own genitals plays a role, too, as does her ability to relax, to let go, and to feel sexually excited or aroused (the "mind hypothesis"). Perhaps for most women, the intersections of the body and mind will be key to easier orgasm.
Along similar lines, I am currently conducting a survey of women who experience sexual pleasure or orgasm during physical exercise such as sit-ups, lifting weights, cycling, dance, etc. (to learn more about the study, click here). While at first glance it may seem that it's the physical nature of the exercise that triggers pleasure or orgasm in women, that may not be the case for all women. Some may engage their mind through fantasy, determination or relaxation. Others may feel as though it is purely a physical act. When I learn more, I'll be sure to share it with you.
What does this mean for you? I would encourage you to explore these two sides of your sexuality, the mind and body, and not to stop there. Some of you may find that exploring your spiritual side is important to your sexual growth as well. While it may seem tempting to turn to body-centered sex guides, they are only part of the roadmap to better sex. Similarly, therapy that focuses only on the mind may fall short; rather, it should seek to educate people about their bodies, how sex may be modified to be more pleasurable or how certain medical conditions or prescription medications can interfere with sexual response. As you seek to improve your sex lives, try to pay attention to the multi-faceted ways that the body and mind play together.
To learn more about how the mind and body play a role in women's sexuality, check out Because It Feels Good: A Woman's Guide to Sexual Pleasure & Satisfaction or, for men, The New Male Sexuality.
Debby Herbenick, PhD, MPH is a research scientist at Indiana University,
by Toby Green extracted from the Sun-Herald
1. Lack of Committment.
Some couples don't appreciate that committment also means'" monogamy", "forever" and "unavailable".
2. Egocentricity
Egocentrics have no concept of anyone else. They don't do what there partner wants to do unless they want to do it too.
3. Lack of Autonomy
Lots of marriages are based on having one person fill in the other's gaps due to neediness and insecurity. Autonomy also means your parents take second place to your life partner.
4. Lack of Intimacy.
Emotional intimacy is vital. This includes asking each other "How are you really?". Connection to each other is essntial. It's the purpose of marriage. Some couples don't ask scary questions like "What's wrong?" in case the problem is them. Emotional intimacy transcends that fear; you know it is better to know what is hurting your partner than not risking being told something uncomfortable. It means taking in what is being said and acknowledging your understanding.
5. Thinking you can change someone.
Each person needs to give their partner permission to be themselves and to be less judgemental.
6. Ther's no sex.
When there's no sex that's all the relationship is about. It's the ever present elephant in the room. Communicate, get help, and see if you can fix the issue. If not, the question is: are you going to stay or go?
7. Lack of common ground.
If both partners don't grow equally one partner can feel they are carrying the load. Many older marriages fail due to lack of common activities as well as hobbies, interests and friends.
Every single issue mentioned here can be fixed. If any of these describe your relationship, don't ignore the problem. Communicate. If you can't, get help. It's out there.
