Rekindling the Fire of Passion in Your Marriage
When we start out in a new relationship our body naturally supplies us with a bonfire of passion. No effort needed. No logs to gather. No fire to tend. It’s easy, wonderful, exciting and feels so good.
In the last tip we promised to teach you how to open the door again to that “in love”, bonfire of passion feeling, that was so prevalent when you started dating. A lot of times when you hear about couples who are still madly in love after 20 years you think to yourself they are either lying or have some kind of mental health issue. A few years ago some researchers decided to look at these long term madly in love couples brain activity levels to find out the truth. They compared the long term married and madly in love brain scans to ones of young couples who had just fallen madly in love and guess what they found. The areas of the brain that light up like Christmas trees in young couples falling in love were lit up just as brightly in these older couples as well. One interesting difference was the long term couples had more activity in the area of the brain that controls calmness and less activity in the anxiety area of the brain then their counterparts who had just fallen in love. In other words they got all the benefits without the stress of wondering if it was going to last.
So how do couples in long term relationships keep that spark alive?
Lots more physical affection. And that doesn’t just mean frequency of the Big O. Hugging, kissing, holding hands, massages, cuddling, etc. etc. You get the picture. When we engage in these physically affectionate activities our body rewards us with oxcytocin, dopamine, endorphins and a host of other feel good hormones that scientists are just beginning to discover on a yearly basis. Setting is important though because the most powerful sex organ is actually between your ears. If you are not comfortable with the affection that is being displayed then your brain can actually shut off the spigot of good hormones and release stress hormones instead. Change the setting to a safer more relaxed environment and you have a waterfall of wonderful hormones bathing your body. That’s obviously not to say that all physical affection is off limits in public. As long as both of you are relaxed with what is taking place then the hormones will flow as you hold hands, put your arms around each other, and anything else that is legal and appropriate for the setting.
Bottom line is communication. If you both don’t feel relaxed then it is okay to say let’s switch to something we both feel more comfortable with given the surroundings. If you don’t then while one person is being bathed in the feel good hormones the other will be bathed with the stress hormones like cortisol. Which is ultimately a recipe for relationship disasters.
Another condition that is a recipe for disaster is couples who prefer dangerous and risky physical encounters. They are rewarded with massive amounts of dopamine and adrenaline. The down side is these same couples report that they no longer enjoy or want to engage in sex in the privacy of their own bedrooms. They also report feeling a need to seek out encounters that will bring a bigger thrill each time as what they did in the past no longer does it for them. Researchers are not certain why this pattern develops as it would not be ethical to set up a research experiment in this area. Although one theory is that by adding adrenaline in high doses creates an imbalance with the other hormones, specifically dopamine, and leads to a condition that requires greater and greater doses of adrenaline in order to experience the level of euphoria that came from the previous experiences.
Going back to the fact that the most important sex organ is actually between your ears. It is especially important for women to understand this concept. The male brain tends to focus very quickly on any kind of physical or visual stimulation. The female brain tends to be wired a little different. Thoughts of the grocery list, errands, is the curling iron still on, are the kids asleep, did I return that message, etc. seem to distract the female brain from focusing on what is taking place. Until the focus takes place the cascade that will wash over your body is being delayed.
In reality the female brain can be trained to focus just as quickly, if not more so, than the male brain. Researchers have documented some women who are able to climax in less than 20 seconds. Not that this is recommended as your end goal as the build up is much more gratifying if you lengthen the experience out. But it does illustrate that the female brain can learn to focus. So even if it is just a passionate kiss, zero in on the sensation, the love you feel and let your brain reward you with a quick or prolonged burst of hormones. You are never going to get that positive feeling from thinking about errands, lists, phone calls, etc. so set those thoughts aside and immerse yourself in the moment.
Dating is another key. And we don’t mean going to the same restaurant week after week. That leads to the condition a small child described when asked how he can tell if a couple in a restaurant is married. His response, “They are not talking”. Variety is the key to keeping your dating life as a couple fresh and something you look forward to. For hundreds of date ideas you can do at home visit http://healthymarriage.org/homedates.htm or away from home visit http://healthymarriage.org/fundates.htm.
When Am I Ready To Get Married?
By Dr. Charles D. Schmitz and Dr. Elizabeth A. Schmitz
"the marriage doctors"
Authors of the “Best Relationship Book of 2008” INDIE Book Awards Gold Medal Winner
Golden Anniversaries: The Seven Secrets of Successful Marriage
This morning we had a delightful radio interview with a Pennsylvania radio station about our research on successful marriage. We have done a ton of these interviews since our book Golden Anniversaries: The Seven Secrets of a Successful Marriage came out earlier this year, and we enjoyed them immensely.
It is always a pleasure to share the “secrets” of successful marriage with our interviewer and his or her audience. Sometimes we answer questions from the listeners, sometimes just from the host of the show, and at times from both. In this business, you learn pretty quickly to talk on your feet as the questions often come rapid-fire, many of them are questions you’ve never heard before, and the time to answer them is usually quite short.
Fortunately, over time we have developed the “gift of gab.” And, because we know our subject quite well based on our 26 years of research on successful marriage, most of our answers are easily retrievable from wherever it is stored in our respective brains!
This morning we got a question we have gotten before in some form or another, but not as directly or succinctly as the host asked it. His question – “When am I ready to get married?”
Over the years we have written about “How will I know I am in love?” We have waxed on about “the core values of successful marriage.” And more often than we can remember, we have encouraged those in love to take our scientifically based marriage quiz to determine their “marriage compatibility.” But the truth is, we have never directly addressed this important question. So today, we will do our best to share with you what we believe to be the answer to the question, “When am I ready to get married?”
First of all, the foundation of any successful marriage is love. Oh, sure, there are marriages of convenience, marriages based on religious or cultural customs (i.e., others determine who is married to whom), and marriages based on whim (think Las Vegas!). But the simple truth is, most all successful marriages that stand the test of time, begin with love. So ingredient number one is, be in love. For more information about this notion, read our article entitled How Will I Know I Am In Love? The answer to the question is more obvious than you think!
The second ingredient is what we have come to call the “core values of successful marriage.” Successfully married couples must share the same core values of love. Agreement on the core values is essential to building a healthy, happy, and long-lasting relationship. All too often, however, folks get married before they have honestly and truthfully determined the compatibility of their core value systems. Then guess what, they discover that all of the dreams and aspirations they have about their marriage aren’t possible because the foundation of their relationship has cracks even before they start trying to build a life together. Core values matter and when they are incompatible, marriage should be reconsidered because later on, these differences will, more than likely, cause the marriage to crumble. Core values such as integrity, trustworthiness and unconditional love do matter.
Our advice is, two adults contemplating marriage should never delude themselves into thinking that their respective core value systems will change over time. They rarely do. Don’t overlook the differences. Don’t fool yourself into believing that you can “change him” or “change her.” From what we know about personality development, adults are pretty much what they are. Many marriages that fail do so because the core values are not compatible. To think otherwise is to set yourself up for heartbreak further down the road of life.
The third ingredient associated with knowing if you are ready to get married or not is very, very simple. As we have said over and over in our many writings and interviews, simple things matter! Successful marriage is an accumulation of doing the simple things.
When you are contemplating marriage you should start to pay very close attention to the one you think you love. Do they do the simple things day in and day out, or not?
Here’s a question to ask yourself, does he always get in line first at the fast-food restaurant to give his food order even though you, your parents, and others are in line with you? Does he open doors for you or does he go through the door first while he lets you fend for yourself? Does she want to tell you about her day but shows no interest in your day? You see, showing respect is a simple thing – and it is easily observable. There is nothing complicated about it. If the one you purport to love is rarely respectful towards you, trust us on this – it will not get better with time. Observe the actions and deeds of the one you are thinking about marrying. Actions and deeds trump words every time!
Simple things matter, and the simple truth is if you do not see the behaviors you want and expect from the one you are thinking of marrying, it will only get worse over time.
Deciding if you are ready to get married begins with love. Agreement on the “core values” of marriage will grow the love, and doing the simple things day in and day out will sustain the love. These simple truths should be self-evident. Learn and understand these simple truths today and you too can celebrate your Golden Anniversary.
Love well!
Steps to identify your unhelpful belief systems
Lisa Brookes Kift
Here are five steps to identify your unhelpful belief systems (core beliefs):
1) Identify your emotional triggers. What types of incidents get you the most angry, sad, fearful, etc? It could be something like a friend canceling dinner plans with you.
2) Label how you experience each of the emotional triggers. Perhaps if your friend canceled her plans with you, you feel let down.
3) Identify what the experience you labeled means about you. What does it say about you if say, your friend cancelled your plans and you felt let down by it. Might this mean, “I’m not important,” or “I’m not a priority?”
4) Look for possible sources of your belief systems. Were there incidents in your past with your parents, peers or in other relationships where you received the message in question? For example, when did you start believing that you are not a priority? Were there times, particularly in childhood, when you felt this way?
5) Confirm with an internal assessment. Sit with the unhelpful belief system being examined and notice what’s going on inside your body. Any emotion coming up? Any twinges in your body? Heart? Stomach? Overall tension? If the answer is “yes,” you’re probably on to something.
Once you’ve identified your primary unhelpful belief systems from the past (core beliefs) – that are impacting your present – you’re off to a great start. At this point you can journal about it, talk to a trusted friend or find a therapist who specializes in family of origin work to help you process and work through what you’ve discovered.
Lisa Brookes Kift is a couples therapist and author.
Family of Origin Exercise
Take a few minutes with your partner and have a go at these questions
In my family of origin…
Affection was:
A. Shown warmly and often
B. Rarely shown in public
C. Other __________________________
My home was usually:
A. Neat and clean
B. Comfortably cluttered
C. Other __________________________
Decision making was done by:
A. Father
B. Mother
C. Both parents in consultation
D. Everyone in the home (including the kids)
E. Default (Nobody seemed to make decisions. Life just happened.)
When my parents disagreed or fought:
A. They yelled and screamed
B. One usually gave in to the other
C. They compromised
D. They separated to cool off
E. One or both used the ‘silent treatment’
F. I wouldn’t know. They never fought in front of me.
Responsibility for keeping the home tidy belonged to:
A. Everyone tidied up after themselves
B. Mother or father tidied up after the kids
C. I never noticed. It was never an issue.
D. Nobody tidied up. (It was pretty messy.)
Privacy was:
A. Respected
B. A sign of secretiveness and selfishness
Money was:
A. Saved for a rainy day
B. Spent only on necessities
C. We were always in debt
D. Used freely for recreational pursuits
E. Other ______________________________
Relationships were:
A. Close. We had many times of fun together.
B. Cordial, but each person primarily kept to themselves
C. Strained
Household chores were divided according to:
A. ‘Women’s work’ or ‘Men’s work’
B. Who had the most time or skill at the chore
C. Both parents took equal responsibility
On Sunday or religious holy days we would:
A. Go to religious services together
B. One parent would attend services, the other stayed home.
C. Neither parent was involved in an organised religion.
On Christmas, we:
A. Attended a religious service
B. Put up a tree and decorated early
C. Christmas Eve was the big celebration when we opened presents
D. ‘Santa Claus’ decorated the tree when the kids were asleep and we opened gifts Christmas morning.
E. We were non-Christian and didn’t celebrate Christmas
F. Other _______________________________
Exchange answers with your partner. Which experience of your partner is most different from yours? Discuss what impact this might have on your marriage.
Source: Adapted from http://foryourmarriage.org
Family of origin
The term ‘family of origin’ refers to the family that you grew up in – your parents and siblings. It may also include a grandparent, other relative, or divorced parents who lived with you during part of your childhood. These people strongly influence who you become.
Men and women who grew up in relatively healthy, functional families make adjustments in a marriage relationship. They learn to accommodate each other. At times you may smile (or cringe) when your spouse has a different way of doing something, i.e. the wrong way. You might complain, but then adjust.
For example, perhaps your mother was a fanatic about keeping a clean, neat house. You might swear that you’ll never be a slave to such a compulsion. But then you notice that your spouse is a ‘relaxed’ housekeeper and the clutter he or she finds tolerable is starting to get on your nerves. You find comfort in returning to your own ‘relatively organised’ space.
In marriage, of course, there are a million of these differences, many minor, some big. You can and will argue about some of them, insisting that your way is the right way. It helps to take a breath and remember that unless the health department is threatening to evict you for health/safety violations, probably neither of you is completely wrong. There is room for compromise.
If your family of origin had serious problems such as alcoholism, abuse, infidelity, or mental illness, the unlearning and relearning can be more complicated. Adult awareness will help you not to repeat negative patterns modeled during the formative years. Once you become aware of the patterns of your family of origin, you can change them. It’s not easy, but individual and couple counseling can free a spouse from repeating destructive behaviors.
Be sure to exercise caution if either of you comes from a family with divorced parents. Many couples, observing the heartache caused by their parents’ break-up, resolve to do everything possible to avoid divorce. Since commitment is a strong predictor of marital success, this is an important strength. On the other hand, since the child of divorce may not have witnessed healthy conflict resolution or values in the family of origin, there may be underlying skill or attitude gaps.
Take the time to explore what you learned about life, love, and conflict in your family of origin so that you can understand how this influences your current relationship – for better and for worse.
Source: http://foryourmarriage.org
