Most marital happiness is a choice
What the Experts Say...
"The bottom line is that you need to become the architect of your thoughts. It's up to you to decide what your inner script will contain. You can habitually look at what is not there in your relationship, at your disappointments, and fill your mind with thoughts of irritation, hurt and contempt. Or you can do the opposite. . . . This really comes down to viewing the bottle as half full rather than half empty-the classic choice between optimism and pessimism." (John Gottman, Ph.D., leading marriage researcher, in his book Why Marriages Succeed or Fail p. 183)
In Other Words...
We can decide if we want to look at our partners with appreciation or contempt. The more we focus on the positive things about our partners, the more we will naturally see them in that way. And the more positively we see our partners, the more positive they will become.
When we feel irritated with our partner, we can succumb to complaining and negativity or we can choose to look for the good.
How This Applies to You...
You can help prevent negativity by building a list of qualities you appreciate in your partner. You might also make a list of great times you have shared.
When irritation bites you, you can take a deep breath and think about the good things in your relationship. Irritation can remind us that we need to be noticing and appreciating the good.
For excellent books focused on marriage, read Why Marriages Succeed or Fail by John Gottman or The Marriage Garden by H. Wallace Goddard and James P. Marshall.
Making it Work: Top 25 Couples Therapy Advice Blogs
Marriage isn’t for sissies. We recently came across this plastered on a pillow, but the phrase couldn’t be more true. Anyone who’s married (or been married) know that a relationship takes hard work and commitment, and these things are multiplied when it comes to a marriage. Seeing the same person day in day out can contribute to being easily annoyed and dealing with your emotions in a more dramatic manner than if you had space to yourself. Before you start thinking the D-word, check out these couples therapy advice blogs for tips you can take to heart and try to improve your relationship.
Top Marriage Counseling and Advice Blogs
If you’re married, you have to take extra steps to ensure your relationship is open, honest and doesn’t get stuck in the rut that can cause problems. These marriage counseling and advice blogs offer help for working on yourself and the marriage from within.
1. The Marriage Counseling Blog This site offers tips on fixing your marriage before the problems start, but if you’ve already found yourself in a crunch, they can help there too.
2. Smart Marriages Learn how to have a fair fight and stop picking on your significant other for every little thing. This blog teaches us that even when we feel we’re at our breaking point, there’s still a possibility of coming back, as long as both parties can work on it.
3. Eastbay Couples Short and sweet are the blog posts at this site. If you’re looking for advice that won’t put a damper your already dwindling relationship, this is the blog for you.
4. Getting the Love You Want This blog is constantly updated and talks about marriage and relationship studies and news stories. It’s a must-read for those struggling with a relationship or those who just want to learn more about the (vast) differences between men, women and how they view love.
5. Couples Transformations Whether either party can’t forgive and forget or you’re having money troubles, this site helps you through many levels of problems a relationship is bound to face over the years.
6. Talk About Marriage This is a messageboard for those struggling with their relationship. If you’re a man or a woman, there’s a forum for you and advice from the opposite sex to see you through this tough time.
7. About Marriage This About site is a must-read for every married couple, no matter what shape your relationship is in. It helps mend problems, but also shows you how to display affection and love for your significant other.
8. Marriage Advice This site talks about stopping problems before they start. It goes over how a married couple should communicate and what to do when those communication lines are broken.
9. Minnesota Marriage and Family Counseling This site has many blog posts that can be helpful to the ailing marriage. From problems in the bedroom to how to find a therapist that fits your relationship, this site is a must-read for those who are in trouble or want to prevent issues.
10. Regain Your Relationship This site is all about re-building a relationship in need of help. It takes two to tango, so it’s important that both parties actively participate when working on a relationship instead of shutting down or deciding they’re done.
11. Project Happily Ever After This is one of our favorite online resources for getting the real scoop on marriage and making your relationship stronger. It touches on having realistic expectations of your partner, which will strengthen the relationship as a whole.
12. Strengthening Marriage This site posts studies on marriage and the benefits of being in a long term, committed relationship.
13. Save the Marriage There’s no rule that says a relationship can’t work if the damage has gone beyond a certain point. Realizing this is one of the key ways to stay in touch with your partner as you struggle with hard times and try to make it out together.
14. Stronger Marriage This is an excellent blog for those who want to save a marriage or make improvements to their relationship. It talks about being appreciative, aware of your tone of voice and showing your partner how much you care for him or her.
15. Engaged Marriage At this site you’ll learn how to be an engaged partner, showing your loved one how much you care and how to fight fair when you feel things are falling apart.
Couples Therapy Blogs
Look to these couples therapy blogs to see you through hard times with your loved one.
16. Susie and Otto This relationship blog talks about identifying the first signs of problems and how to get help before it’s too late (although most therapists believe it’s never too late, as long as both people want things to change).
17. Love Coach Blog This site discusses the importance of staying engaged in a relationship as it develops and addressing any problems you have with a person the minute things start to change for you, versus waiting until everything he or she does gets under your skin.
18. Relationship Repair In order for a relationship to be successful, you have to put in the leg work and ensure you’re doing your best every day. It isn’t something that just happens, but relationship therapy blogs like this one will help you find your way.
19. Help My Relationship Sometimes it’s hard to know whether it’s the end of the road or just a rough patch that a relationship is dealing with. This blog shows you how to deal with those troubling times with a level head and stop you from saying or doing things you might regret.
20. Dr. Kathy Nickerson This blog is penned by a marriage counselor who shares her years of expertise with everyone on the web. It has brilliant ideas for improving your relationship and making the effort to move forward.
21. Baggage Reclaim This is one of our favorite sites for those looking to help their relationship. It discusses working as individuals before working as a team in order to sort out what each person is looking for in the love department.
22. Dating Relationship Advice Blog This site is all about what do when you’re in a relationship, when you’re thinking about leaving a relationship and what’s what once you’re done with the relationship.
23. Need Relationship Help This site is all about helping the relationship when it’s in shambles and helping yourself should things go wrong. It has .
24. Have the Relationship You Want This relationship blog delves into the world of infidelity and talks about coming out of the experience with your confidence and your relationship in tact (yes, it’s possible).
25. Soul Mate Oracle This blog focuses on communication skills and working to get along with your partner when you’re cut from different cloth. This can make it difficult to make progress with your significant other, but nothing is impossible if both people are actively involved.
Working on your relationship isn’t easy, but if both parties are willing to work, there’s a solid chance your relationship will survive. Remember to keep an honest and open mind to avoid setting yourself up for heartbreak and give your partner a real chance at making things right. Finding your own self-confidence is also important during this time, since most of us want to be with someone who can clearly stick it out for the long haul.
When Am I Ready To Get Married?
By Dr. Charles D. Schmitz and Dr. Elizabeth A. Schmitz
"the marriage doctors"
Authors of the “Best Relationship Book of 2008” INDIE Book Awards Gold Medal Winner
Golden Anniversaries: The Seven Secrets of Successful Marriage
This morning we had a delightful radio interview with a Pennsylvania radio station about our research on successful marriage. We have done a ton of these interviews since our book Golden Anniversaries: The Seven Secrets of a Successful Marriage came out earlier this year, and we enjoyed them immensely.
It is always a pleasure to share the “secrets” of successful marriage with our interviewer and his or her audience. Sometimes we answer questions from the listeners, sometimes just from the host of the show, and at times from both. In this business, you learn pretty quickly to talk on your feet as the questions often come rapid-fire, many of them are questions you’ve never heard before, and the time to answer them is usually quite short.
Fortunately, over time we have developed the “gift of gab.” And, because we know our subject quite well based on our 26 years of research on successful marriage, most of our answers are easily retrievable from wherever it is stored in our respective brains!
This morning we got a question we have gotten before in some form or another, but not as directly or succinctly as the host asked it. His question – “When am I ready to get married?”
Over the years we have written about “How will I know I am in love?” We have waxed on about “the core values of successful marriage.” And more often than we can remember, we have encouraged those in love to take our scientifically based marriage quiz to determine their “marriage compatibility.” But the truth is, we have never directly addressed this important question. So today, we will do our best to share with you what we believe to be the answer to the question, “When am I ready to get married?”
First of all, the foundation of any successful marriage is love. Oh, sure, there are marriages of convenience, marriages based on religious or cultural customs (i.e., others determine who is married to whom), and marriages based on whim (think Las Vegas!). But the simple truth is, most all successful marriages that stand the test of time, begin with love. So ingredient number one is, be in love. For more information about this notion, read our article entitled How Will I Know I Am In Love? The answer to the question is more obvious than you think!
The second ingredient is what we have come to call the “core values of successful marriage.” Successfully married couples must share the same core values of love. Agreement on the core values is essential to building a healthy, happy, and long-lasting relationship. All too often, however, folks get married before they have honestly and truthfully determined the compatibility of their core value systems. Then guess what, they discover that all of the dreams and aspirations they have about their marriage aren’t possible because the foundation of their relationship has cracks even before they start trying to build a life together. Core values matter and when they are incompatible, marriage should be reconsidered because later on, these differences will, more than likely, cause the marriage to crumble. Core values such as integrity, trustworthiness and unconditional love do matter.
Our advice is, two adults contemplating marriage should never delude themselves into thinking that their respective core value systems will change over time. They rarely do. Don’t overlook the differences. Don’t fool yourself into believing that you can “change him” or “change her.” From what we know about personality development, adults are pretty much what they are. Many marriages that fail do so because the core values are not compatible. To think otherwise is to set yourself up for heartbreak further down the road of life.
The third ingredient associated with knowing if you are ready to get married or not is very, very simple. As we have said over and over in our many writings and interviews, simple things matter! Successful marriage is an accumulation of doing the simple things.
When you are contemplating marriage you should start to pay very close attention to the one you think you love. Do they do the simple things day in and day out, or not?
Here’s a question to ask yourself, does he always get in line first at the fast-food restaurant to give his food order even though you, your parents, and others are in line with you? Does he open doors for you or does he go through the door first while he lets you fend for yourself? Does she want to tell you about her day but shows no interest in your day? You see, showing respect is a simple thing – and it is easily observable. There is nothing complicated about it. If the one you purport to love is rarely respectful towards you, trust us on this – it will not get better with time. Observe the actions and deeds of the one you are thinking about marrying. Actions and deeds trump words every time!
Simple things matter, and the simple truth is if you do not see the behaviors you want and expect from the one you are thinking of marrying, it will only get worse over time.
Deciding if you are ready to get married begins with love. Agreement on the “core values” of marriage will grow the love, and doing the simple things day in and day out will sustain the love. These simple truths should be self-evident. Learn and understand these simple truths today and you too can celebrate your Golden Anniversary.
Love well!
So What’s Wrong With Your Rose Tinted Glasses?
Conventional wisdom says that if you idealize the person you marry, the disappointment is just going to be that much worse when you find out they aren't perfect. But new research published in Psychological Science, a journal of the Association for Psychological Science, challenges that assumption; people who were unrealistically idealistic about their partners when they got married were more satisfied with their marriage three years later than less idealistic people.
LONG-term relationships are good for mental and physical health
......... and the benefits increase over time.
On average, married people live longer, women in long-term relationships have better mental health, and men have better physical health.
Men's physical health probably improved because of their partners' positive influence on their lifestyle, the Student British Medical Journal reported.
The mental bonus for women might be due to a greater emphasis on the importance of the relationship, said researchers David Gallacher, of University Hospital of Wales, and John Gallacher, of Cardiff University School of Medicine.
But the journey of true love did not always run smoothly. In adolescence it was associated with increased adolescent depressive symptoms, he said.
Nor were all relationships good for you -- single people had better mental health than those in strained relationships.
The researchers confirmed that breaking up was hard to do, saying leaving a relationship was distressing and divorce could have a devastating impact.
Having numerous partners was also linked with a risk of earlier death.
But just because relationship failures could harm health was not a reason to avoid them. "A good relationship will improve both physical and mental health and perhaps the thing to do is to try to avoid a bad relationship rather than not getting into a relationship at all," David Gallacher said.
The best time for men to start a long-term relationship seemed to be after the age of 25, while for women it was between 19 and 25.
