Rekindling the Fire of Passion in Your Marriage

When we start out in a new relationship our body naturally supplies us with a bonfire of passion. No effort needed. No logs to gather. No fire to tend. It’s easy, wonderful, exciting and feels so good.

In the last tip we promised to teach you how to open the door again to that “in love”, bonfire of passion feeling, that was so prevalent when you started dating. A lot of times when you hear about couples who are still madly in love after 20 years you think to yourself they are either lying or have some kind of mental health issue. A few years ago some researchers decided to look at these long term madly in love couples brain activity levels to find out the truth. They compared the long term married and madly in love brain scans to ones of young couples who had just fallen madly in love and guess what they found. The areas of the brain that light up like Christmas trees in young couples falling in love were lit up just as brightly in these older couples as well. One interesting difference was the long term couples had more activity in the area of the brain that controls calmness and less activity in the anxiety area of the brain then their counterparts who had just fallen in love. In other words they got all the benefits without the stress of wondering if it was going to last.

So how do couples in long term relationships keep that spark alive?

Lots more physical affection. And that doesn’t just mean frequency of the Big O. Hugging, kissing, holding hands, massages, cuddling, etc. etc. You get the picture. When we engage in these physically affectionate activities our body rewards us with oxcytocin, dopamine, endorphins and a host of other feel good hormones that scientists are just beginning to discover on a yearly basis. Setting is important though because the most powerful sex organ is actually between your ears. If you are not comfortable with the affection that is being displayed then your brain can actually shut off the spigot of good hormones and release stress hormones instead. Change the setting to a safer more relaxed environment and you have a waterfall of wonderful hormones bathing your body. That’s obviously not to say that all physical affection is off limits in public. As long as both of you are relaxed with what is taking place then the hormones will flow as you hold hands, put your arms around each other, and anything else that is legal and appropriate for the setting.

Bottom line is communication. If you both don’t feel relaxed then it is okay to say let’s switch to something we both feel more comfortable with given the surroundings. If you don’t then while one person is being bathed in the feel good hormones the other will be bathed with the stress hormones like cortisol. Which is ultimately a recipe for relationship disasters.

Another condition that is a recipe for disaster is couples who prefer dangerous and risky physical encounters. They are rewarded with massive amounts of dopamine and adrenaline. The down side is these same couples report that they no longer enjoy or want to engage in sex in the privacy of their own bedrooms. They also report feeling a need to seek out encounters that will bring a bigger thrill each time as what they did in the past no longer does it for them. Researchers are not certain why this pattern develops as it would not be ethical to set up a research experiment in this area. Although one theory is that by adding adrenaline in high doses creates an imbalance with the other hormones, specifically dopamine, and leads to a condition that requires greater and greater doses of adrenaline in order to experience the level of euphoria that came from the previous experiences.

Going back to the fact that the most important sex organ is actually between your ears. It is especially important for women to understand this concept. The male brain tends to focus very quickly on any kind of physical or visual stimulation. The female brain tends to be wired a little different. Thoughts of the grocery list, errands, is the curling iron still on, are the kids asleep, did I return that message, etc. seem to distract the female brain from focusing on what is taking place. Until the focus takes place the cascade that will wash over your body is being delayed.

In reality the female brain can be trained to focus just as quickly, if not more so, than the male brain. Researchers have documented some women who are able to climax in less than 20 seconds. Not that this is recommended as your end goal as the build up is much more gratifying if you lengthen the experience out. But it does illustrate that the female brain can learn to focus. So even if it is just a passionate kiss, zero in on the sensation, the love you feel and let your brain reward you with a quick or prolonged burst of hormones. You are never going to get that positive feeling from thinking about errands, lists, phone calls, etc. so set those thoughts aside and immerse yourself in the moment.

Dating is another key. And we don’t mean going to the same restaurant week after week. That leads to the condition a small child described when asked how he can tell if a couple in a restaurant is married. His response, “They are not talking”. Variety is the key to keeping your dating life as a couple fresh and something you look forward to. For hundreds of date ideas you can do at home visit http://healthymarriage.org/homedates.htm or away from home visit http://healthymarriage.org/fundates.htm.